A Choice of Two Paths

Books Referenced

Beyond Cynical - Loretta Breuning

Habits of a Happy Brain - Loretta Breuning

You are on a path.

Walking toward the future.

You come to a fork in the road.

The path to the right leads to your wildest dreams.

Happiness. Fulfillment. Satisfaction.

But this path is covered in fog. Dangers await. You don’t know if there are enemies afoot, or a dragon to slay. But everything you ever wanted is at the other end. If you are only brave enough to walk it.

The path to your left leads to everything you never wanted.

Regret. Unhappiness. Pain.

But this path is clear. No obstacles. No dangers. No risk. It is wide open and is a safe path.

Which road do you choose?

The answer seems obvious.

You take the road to the right toward happiness… right?

But I bet you take the road to the left.

I sure have.

In this article, I discuss why we chronically take the left path, and what we can do to brave the path to the right.

The Two Paths

This thought exercise is meant to highlight the impact of the choices we make.

Every decision we make has an impact on how we develop and who we become.

Choosing to exercise or relax.

Choosing to procrastinate or take action.

Choosing good food or junk.

These decisions have an impact.

Every choice we make is a vote for our future self.

Often times we move through each day unaware of the path we are walking. Or we make decisions without the end in mind.

For the rest of this conversation, I’d like to focus on the decisions we make that are intentional.

When we choose to NOT take action aligned with our goals, we take a step down the left path.

A single step down the left path may not have an obvious impact on our lives. But repeated often enough we wake up one day asking, “how the hell did I get here?”

The trouble is the easiest decision is often the one that keeps us trapped.

The left path feels safe. We know the dangers (none). We know the topography (smooth). But we forget where this path leads: nowhere.

So why on earth do we tend to avoid making the changes we need to make? Why do we stay stuck in our current routines when we know, deep down, that we are capable of more?

The answer comes down to one word: pain.

We humans are very good at recognizing potential pain and avoiding it (more on that later).

The path to the right is one of hope.

It leads us to our full potential and fulfillment.

Unfortunately, that path is full of pain. There are no clear expectations of the dangers we face. There is potential risk and failure.

Because that path is painful, we avoid it.

Pain, Fear, and Uncertainty

In her book Beyond Cynical, Dr. Loretta Breuning explains how mammalian brains are wired to avoid pain.

She argues that humans use cynicism as a way to avoid negative surprises. If we are cynical and predict that everything is going to hell in a hand basket, then we do not feel the same negative emotions when things go bad. It is a way for us to create perceived control, or expectations, over our environment.

Not only do we avoid pain, but we also conjure up stories of predictable expectations, so we do not feel the pain of being let down.

Cynicism creates certainty, or at least makes us feel certain.

Uncertainty can be painful.

There is good reason for us to avoid pain.

Pain is a signal warning us of oncoming danger. Prolonged exposure to pain could lead to death.

Hunger is a pain. Starvation will kill us.

Social judgement is a pain. Being exiled from our social group decreases our safety and could lead to death (there is power and safety in groups).

Longing is a pain because without reproducing our genes will not be passed to the next generation.

Left unchecked, pain could be the death of us.

Again, humans need certainty and security. Uncertainty is risky and dangerous (so our brains tell us). When we are uncertain, we risk conjuring stories of the worst things that could happen. We call this “worrying.”

So, we come to the fork in the road. The left road is certain. The right road is uncertain. The left road is safe. The right road is not.

Our brains scream at us to choose the left road. The safe road.

How do we overcome this?

It starts with another word: hope.

Hope

While our brains are wired to avoid pain, we are also wired to seek pleasure.

In another book of Dr. Breuning’s, Habits of a Happy Brain, she describes the “feel good” chemicals that drive us to take action.

Chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin all play a role in moving us to take action for positive gain.

When we sense an opportunity in front of us feelings of hope and desire surge to move us to action.

Dopamine gives us that sense of “I gotta have it.”

Serotonin spikes when we win.

Oxytocin gives us the feeling of trust and love.

While fear and perceived pain trigger us to avoid taking action, hope and desire move us toward taking action.

Most of the time, both feelings are present. Even so, pain avoidance usually wins.

The Battle of Pain

We have a pain calculator in our brain.

Every time we make a decision, or choose which path to walk, we estimate the pain we risk by taking action compared to the pain we take if we don’t.

In short, is there more pain in taking action or not taking action?

If we are hungry, we feel pain.

What are our options to relieve this pain?

In today’s world, we can just go to the fridge. But a long time ago we may have had to go hunting.

There is zero pain in going to the fridge and seeing what is available to eat.

This pain equation is simple. Pain of hunger > Pain of getting fridge food.

We go to the fridge.

But what if you have to brave the wilderness and find food? What if there are animals out there that want to eat you? If this is the case, you might think twice before stepping out to go hunting.

If you are just a little hungry, then:

Hunger pain < Risk of danger while hunting.

The pain of doing something is greater than the pain of doing nothing… so we do nothing.

But if you are VERY hungry, your hunger-pain may surpass the perceived risk of hunting.

Hunger pan > Risk of danger while hunting.

The pain of doing nothing is WORSE than the pain of doing something. So we do something.

There is a saying you may have heard: we only change when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing.

As an extreme example, many addicts and alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before getting sober.

The pain of addiction has to be greater than the pain of rehabilitation, cravings, and sobriety.

This can be tremendously difficult given our brains are wired to avoid pain.

But because our brain has a pain calculator, we can leverage it to our advantage.

Leveraging Pain for the Positive

(I just wrote about this in a recent article. Also, I took a deeper dive into the topic which you can find on YouTube)

We know that change happens when the pain of doing nothing is worse than the pain of changing.

But most of the time, the pain of doing nothing is simply pain delayed.

What do I mean by this?

Our actions have consequences that are not revealed until farther down the road.

If you don’t eat nutritious food, you do not feel immediate pain. In fact, you may feel good! The pain you may feel from these repeated actions don’t show up until you look in the mirror don’t recognize who you see. You might have a heart attack. You might not fit into a single airplane seat. Pain. Pain. Pain.

Before you go and think I am exaggerating, I have helped hundreds of people lose weight, and the painful stories above are ones I have heard from my past clients.

The pain is real… but we don’t feel it until long after we made the decision to take the left path.

In order to leverage pain for positive action, we must bring our perception of pain from the future and into the present.

How do we do this?

Imagination. Visualization.

When we stand at the fork in the road, look to the right path and acknowledge the pain, risk, and fear on that path. These are pains we must overcome to reach our potential.

Then look to the path on the left… but ignore the clear road. Look to the end of that road. Where will you be? What will you feel like? How much regret will you have? What will be lost?

Bring that future painful destination into your present awareness and steep in it.

This will trigger emotions that can fire us up to take action.

Pain is a signal.

Pain is a trigger.

Pain is a motivator.

Leverage pain for positive action.

The Wrap Up

Every decision we make is a vote for our future self.

We are either walking down the right path toward our ideal self, or down the left path toward our non-ideal self.

When we weigh our options for a decision, our brains leverage a pain calculator to determine the risk of each choice.

To move us toward the right action, imagine the future pain that will exist if you continue down the left path.

When we can feel the pain of the unrealized future we don’t want, we can prime ourselves to take the actions needed for personal growth.

The next time you are at a fork in the road, consider this pain exercise before you make a decision.

And go crush it.

Thanks for reading!

Clark