The Power of Conversations

Books Referenced

Fierce Conversations - Susan Scott

Crucial Conversations - Joseph Grenny et al.

Conversation is a lost art.

Connection, trust, empathy, relationship development… all are dependent on conversations.

Susan Scott writes in her book, Fierce Conversations, ‘relationships are built, maintained, or destroyed one conversation at a time.’ Also, “while no single conversation is sure to change a career, company, or relationship, any single conversation can.”

Dang. Those are some hard hitting truths.

Take a look at your relationships. At home. At work. With yourself.

The quality of those relationships is directly related to the quality of your conversations.

Your relationship with yourself is not excluded.

How you speak to yourself impacts how you relate to yourself, just like how you speak with others impacts how we connect with them.

If you are looking to level up your life, your relationships are going to support you or stop you. And to be sure your relationships are in line to support you, you must be equipped with the skills of effective conversations.

In this article, I’ll teach you some core skills to having impactful conversations to build relationships.

If you fail to develop this skill, you will be stuck on an island with no one to support you.

Why Conversations Matter

We can only connect to others by communicating. Both verbal and non-verbal communication serve as mechanisms by which we build trust, understanding, and support.

Let’s look at an example: Imagine if you are unhappy with something your spouse does.

If you don’t say anything, nothing will change. They cannot read your mind.

And your spouse is most likely going through their day thinking nothing is wrong. The are completely unaware of your dissatisfaction. And this is normal… we are immersed in our own minds.

Communication is the solution.

But… HOW you communicate will either build, maintain, or destroy that relationship.

If you go on the offensive and blame the other person for all your perceived slights, prepare for destruction.

If you lead with curiosity, non-judgment, and trust, you can strengthen the relationship.

The point is each conversation is an opportunity to connect. We do not connect without conversation (and yes… non-verbal conversations are a thing, but that is a different topic).

To drive the point home further, connection is impossible without conversation. This may sound obvious, but it needs to be said. If you live in your own head, and refrain from conversations, connection is impossible.

How to Derail a Conversation

What makes master communicators so good?

What makes terrible communicators so… well… terrible?

Let’s start with the bad, because we have all been in terrible conversations.

Here are the 4 horsemen of destructive conversation (these are my 4 horsemen… not THE 4 horseman):

• Ambiguity

Clarity is king. If you’re going into a conversation asking for something, sharing feedback, or dishing out information, do everyone a favor and be clear. A lack of clarity creates a lot of blank spaces, and the other person will fill those blanks with their own stories. This is a risk you should avoid. Be clear.

• Selfishness

Have you ever spoken with someone who only talks about themself? Or they only listen to you so they can 1-up your story with their perspective? Conversations are 2-way streets. If you are on a one-way highway, look for an exit.

Another facet of selfishness is when someone will not listen to your perspective. When it is all about the other person, it is not a conversation… it is a pontification.

• Withdrawal

This is selfishness but with the opposite presentation. In this case, you are the other party shut down and are not willing to speak. This may be due to any number of reasons like fear, anger, confusion, etc… but because a person shuts down for their reasons, it is similar to selfishness. Withdrawal stops the conversation in its tracks, and the opposite party is likely to get frustrated.

• Judgment

If you want to derail a conversation, add judgment. It is imperative to remove judgmental language in a conversation. When it is present the other party will either shut down (withdrawal) or get defensive. If one gets defensive, you don’t have a conversation, you have a fight. We will return to this principle, but just consider how you feel in a conversation when the other person makes you feel judged. It is not productive.

How to Have a Great Conversation

We spoke of the 4 horsemen of conversations. Let’s now shift into the key aspects of a great conversation. Here are 4 core aspects of a productive conversation.

• Own your story

The concept of stories is well described in the book Crucial Conversations. The authors describe a flow of events which leads to the actions we take. We first see and hear something, then we tell ourselves a story. The story we tell creates feelings which then causes a reaction.

Think of a time when you heard something that made you angry and so you reacted with strong emotions. Your reaction was directly due to the story you told yourself. To make a conversation productive, you must own your story. Acknowledge that your story is YOURS and the other party may have an entirely different perspective. When we do this, we recognize that there is another half of the story that needs to be heard. Own your story and then neutralize it. This will enable you to approach your conversation with an open mind and without assumptions.

• Desired outcomes

This aligns with the ambiguity aspect noted above. When you walk into a conversation, it is probably because you have a need that needs to be addressed. What is the outcome you desire? Be clear with what you need. It will keep the other person from guessing and filling in holes with their own stories.

• Facts

When you have a conversation, state facts. If someone is late for a meeting, your conversation should start with, “I noticed you were late for that meeting.” It should not start with your perception, “It looks like you don’t care about showing up on time.” When you lead with your perceptions you essentially place judgment on the other person. Avoid this by stating what is true regardless of how you feel.

• Compassion and Curiosity

I pair these together because you cannot have one without the other. When you are curious, you care about the other person’s perspective. And when you care about the other person’s perspective you are naturally curious about their point of view. When you lead with these two aspects you open the conversation in a warm and non-judgmental tone.

How to Have a Difficult Conversation

Let’s put it all together.

Let’s say you experience something which requires a conversation. First, acknowledge the story you are telling yourself.

Recognize your emotions and own them. Then put them aside.

Define the facts of the situation. What happened? What is clear, obvious, and undeniable? Have these facts ready.

What was the impact of the occurrence? How did it impact you or others around you? These are more facts to add to your list.

Then simply address the situation from your perspective. It could sound something like this:

“Hey Clark. Back on X date you did Y thing which had Z impact. I am concerned because of A, and I need B for C reasons. What do you think?”

That’s it.

Simple right?

It is simple. But we usually get so stuck in our own feelings that this feels impossible to do.

Just follow these steps.

And please… avoid the feedback sandwich.

The Feedback Sandwich

Everyone has heard of the feedback sandwich these days. It goes like this:

Share a compliment.

Share our criticism.

Share another compliment.

This method of feedback is really meant for people who are uncomfortable having conversations. It is a starter kit, so to speak.

Unfortunately, the feedback sandwich has a way of destroying trust.

If you only give positive feedback in order to then give constructive feedback, the other person may feel like the positive feedback is not true and is just to soften the blow.

Instead, give positive feedback and leave it at that. Give it often. That way, when you use the model in the previous section to have a difficult conversation, it is delivered with more weight and honesty.

The Wrap Up

We connect through conversations.

Relationships are built, maintained, or destroyed on conversation at a time.

If you want to level up your conversation skills, own your story, determine what you want, establish the facts, and state your feedback with compassion and curiosity.

Get to practicing my friends.

Build your relationships.

And crush it.

Clark