The Power of Positive Selfishness

Books Referenced

Leaders Eat Last - Simon Sinek

Good to Great - Jim Collins

If you are 100% happy in your life and performance, this article is not for you.

But if you are unsatisfied, I want to share what I have learned about this topic, and how you can leverage positive selfishness to take care of yourself, help others, and crush your goals.

This is not about being a narcissist.

It is not about prioritizing yourself above all other things.

It is about being clear about what you want before sacrificing yourself at the altar of selflessness.

This article may rub some of you the wrong way.

Good.

I hope to challenge your thinking and present an argument why selflessness comes secondary to selfishness.

In my work with leaders and high performers, those who win have dialed in their positive selfishness. Those who struggle prioritize giving.

I hope to empower you with the arguments and tools for why YOU matter and YOU come first.

Selflessness is Overrated

Selfless leaders are glamorized.

In Leaders Eat Last, Simon Sinek talks about leaders building trust by taking care of their teams at the before themselves.

In Good to Great, Jim Collins describes the Level-5 Leader… a person who looks out for their team whether or not an action is good for the leader, as an individual. The team is more important than the singular leader.

My coaching experience does not align with these messages… at least not in the way that common interpretations suggest.

The common interpretation of these teachings is that a self-sacrificing leader will outperform and out-lead a selfish one.

In my experience, the reason why so many leaders and high performers get burned out is because they give, give, and give… and they stop making time for their own needs.

They stop being selfish.

I don’t want you to burn out. I know you are capable of great things.

To do those great things, you must be selfish.

I am aware, and fully acknowledge, that leadership is about others. To be a great leader you must give to your followers.

But you are a leader of yourself first.

If you do not lead yourself, you will not be able to lead others.

Negative Selfishness and the Ego-Driven Leader

Before describing positive selfishness, let’s talk about negative selfishness.

Negative selfishness is narcissistic.

It shows up as manipulation.

Great leaders do not manipulate. They motivate and inspire.

Negative selfishness is destructive to others.

It shows up as sacrificing people for personal gain.

The leader who uses negative selfishness is what I call an Ego-Driven Leader.

You may instantly think of a leader who fits this description.

They are only in it for themselves. All their actions and decisions are meant to make themselves look good and set them up for success.

The needs of their team come secondary to their own desires. Always. 

These leaders can make fast progress in their career because they are like bulldozers making consistent progress to the end goal.

But they leave a bunch of bodies in their wake.

Eventually, they reach a level where they cannot rise any higher, and they wonder why…

It is because their bosses recognize the risk of promoting them to higher levels of leadership.

Let me be clear, negative selfishness can lead to high performance.

If you only prioritize yourself, then you can get a TON done. You can make fast progress in your career. You can achieve your goals.

But you will never be able to scale. And you will not be able to leave a positive mark on those you lead.

This is why positive selfishness is such a big deal.

Positive Selfishness and the Purpose-Driven Leader

We tend to recoil at the word “selfish” because it implies that if you prioritize yourself, this naturally comes at the expense of others.

But this is BS. And it is short sighted.

First off, just from a principled and philosophical standpoint, you are not required to sacrifice yourself for others.

Taking care of yourself should be a priority.

When you do this, you can then choose to give to others.

There is no morality giving to others when you are forced to. The power is in the choice.

That aside, let’s talk about positive selfishness.

Positive selfishness is when you choose to prioritize yourself, your goals, and your actions so that you can then choose to help others at a higher level.

As the saying goes, you cannot pour from an empty cup.

So how do you fill your cup?

The first thing to do is identify your goals and your purpose.

This begins by identifying all the roles you play.

You are a:

• Leader
• Employee
• Parent
• Spouse
• Friend

And don’t forget you are a human to yourself. You have hobbies, desires, personal goals, things you want to experience.

For each of these roles, seek clarity and ask the following questions:

• What are my goals for this role?
• How do I want to show up?
• What impact do I want to have?
• What actions do I need to take so I can show up as the best version of myself?

When you have clarity on all these questions, then you are on track to becoming a purpose driven leader.

These are leaders who know what they want and why they want it. They are striving for goals that are larger than themselves.

They have purpose. That purpose involves others.

It is that last clarity question above where positive selfishness really comes into play.

What do you need to do to show up as the best version of yourself?

We will tackle this below.

How to be Positively Selfish

How effective of a leader will you be if you are tired, stressed, or burned out?

How good of a parent or spouse would you be if you were always distracted and thinking about work.

We start with positive selfishness by putting boundaries around the actions you want to take and the goals they are aligned to.

The first and most important relationship you need to protect is the one with yourself.

What are the things you need to do to take care of yourself so that you can show up as the best version of yourself?

For most people, this list includes:

• Exercising
• Eating well
• Sleeping well
• Engaging in things you enjoy

When you do these things, you create the physical and mental states needed to bring your A-game everywhere else.

Be positively selfish and prioritize these actions.

Then, think of the actions needed to achieve your goals in the other roles you play.

How much quality time do you need to spend with your spouse?

How much quality time do you need with your kids?

How much quality time do you need with your friends?

How much quality focus do you need to put in at work?

You have limited time in the day and week, so these actions will naturally compete with each other.

I know a CVP for a fortune 5 company who has dinner with his family every night at 6pm.

He does not take meetings in the evening.

Why?

Because his relationships are important to him.

But isn’t this selfish? Isn’t there a team in China and another in India relying on his decisions.

Yes.

But he knows that his relationships will endure beyond work. Also, if his relationships are on the rocks, it will negatively impact how he shows up at work.

By prioritizing his family, he ensures his relationships are strong at home. This means he can show up to work without the stress of family conflict.

This benefits his team! He can be focused and engaged and not worried about the conversations that come with struggling relationships at home.

This is positive selfishness.

This is a purpose-driven leader.

Purpose extends beyond work.

When you prioritize your purpose in each area of life, you show up as a better version of yourself in each realm.

The Wrap Up

It is OK to be selfish.

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

If you want to show up as the best leader, parent, or spouse that you can, you must ensure you are in the right mental and physical state to do so.

This means prioritizing self-care.

This means prioritizing building relationships.

This means NOT sacrificing your life at the altar of work.

We need your leadership.

We need the best version of you.

To do that, you must leverage positive selfishness.

So, prioritize yourself.

And crush it.

Thanks for reading.

Clark