The Power of Shallow Empathy

 Books Referenced in this article:

Emotional Intelligence - Daniel Goleman

Never Split the Difference - Chris Voss

Empathy is the practice that connects us to other humans.

When we empathize, we gain understanding and insight. And we gain trust.

But empathizing can be exhausting.

And it requires vulnerability.

So sometimes, we avoid it. We avoid empathizing.

But there is more to empathy than we are taught. It is not always about deep connection.

There are actually 3 levels of empathy.

If you stick to only using the empathy everyone talks about, we risk emotional avoidance and emotional burnout.

By learning the other two levels of empathy, you can use an appropriate level of emotional connection for the situation.

Your choices are not just “go deep” or “avoid the conversation.”

There is shallow empathy and deep empathy, and a full spectrum in between.

You can match the empathy you bring with the needs of the moment.

And this will help you connect with more people without experiencing the vulnerability or burnout of going deep.

Let’s look at empathy, its levels, and how to flex through them.

The Impact of Empathy

Empathy is a core component of emotional intelligence (EQ). This is a suite of skills used by leaders, communicators, and regular people who want to be socially impactful and successful.

You can read more about EQ in Daniel Goleman’s seminal book Emotional Intelligence, but we will focus on empathy, only, in this article.

Empathy is simply the ability to understand and share in what others are feeling.

When you empathize, you feel what others feel. You feel WITH them.

Contrast this to sympathy, where you feel FOR someone.

Empathy gives us a means to help other people. We can connect, understand, and be compassionate towards the plight of others.

This is great when a mother hears a crying baby… Mom can empathize with the sad baby and provide food or comfort. Without empathy, mom is left wondering why the baby is crying and does not know what to do.

Because empathy requires that we feel WITH others, it can be emotionally exhausting.

I worked as a personal trainer for years. As such, I listened to clients and heard their problems and challenges all day. I felt with them. And I was wiped by the end of the day.

I also know counselors and mental health workers that will not take more than 5 clients per day. It is emotionally taxing.

Also, feeling with others requires vulnerability. We must be willing to feel things we don’t really want to feel.

With the fatigue and vulnerability associated with empathy, many people avoid it.

But this sort of empathy is deep, and deep empathy is not always required to make a connection.

This is what I call Level 3 empathy, or authentic empathy.

Here is a graphic I posted on socials the other day:

I like thinking of empathy in levels… how shallow or deep do you want (and need) to go.

There are two other levels you can use: Tactical and Practical Empathy.

These two levels do not require the same level of investment and vulnerability. And they are useful in different social interactions.

Let’s start at the first level - tactical empathy.

Level 1 - Tactical Empathy

Tactical empathy is surface level empathy typically used for personal gain.

This is where you acknowledge someone's feelings in order to gain their trust or make a connection.

You use this to earn a positive perception in the mind of another, and let’s them know you see them, and what they are going through.

If you are in a conversation with someone, you might say, “it sounds like that was a difficult experience for you,” or, “wow, you have gone through a lot.”

These statements acknowledge the other person and their experience, but does not go deeper into exploring the why, what, or how.

Even though this is surface level empathy, is still needs to be real.

You still have to listen, connect, and understand where the other person is coming from. It just that the empathy is only used for surface level gain.

This does not mean it is manipulative! Tactical empathy can be used in a variety of situations and as a social lubricant.

Try it with your Uber driver, or the Starbucks barista... you can use tactical empathy to let others know you are trustworthy.

I learned about this from Chris Voss in his book Never Split the Difference.

Great book. Check it out!

Level 2 - Practical Empathy

So, you’ve made the initial connection with tactical empathy, and now you need to go a little deeper so you can understand more.

Practical empathy is used to understand the situation.

Imagine your employee come to you complaining about a process or system that is making their job hard. You can scoff and disregard their message, or you can use practical empathy to learn about their experience.

If your child comes to you and is struggling to accomplish a task, you can ignore their complaints and tell them to keep going, or you can practically empathize to understand what obstacles might be present.

Practical empathy is about understanding people in different situations so we can help solve their problems.

Note that practical empathy is not used for making a personal connection. Instead, you leverage your empathetic skills to identify what solutions exist to the problems at hand.

It is practical.

Great leaders (and parents) use practical empathy on a regular basis. We can leverage practical empathy to unblock others and help them overcome challenges.

And it doesn’t require the deep relationship-building empathy that is level-3 authentic empathy.

The funny thing is, even when you use practical empathy, it can strengthen relationships.

Other people will look at the interaction and think, “wow, they really tried to understand me.”

Again, this is not manipulative or fake. You must still connect with what the other person is experiencing. But gain, the intent is for practical application of what you discover.

Level 3 - Authentic Empathy

And we are back at the deep level of empathy we spoke about earlier.

Authentic empathy is used to build relationships.

It requires us to sit with the emotions of others, feel them, and move forward together.

With authentic empathy, you are not trying to earn trust, or fix anything. You are only there to BE with the other person.

It is not about you.

It’s like in the movie Inside out… And Sadness is sitting with Bing Bong. THAT is authentic empathy.

The Wrap Up

To quickly summarize the three levels of empathy:

Tactical empathy is about you. You use it to gain trust.

Practical empathy is about the situation. You use it to learn about the current scenario.

Authentic empathy is about the other person. You use it to connect and deepen the relationship.

You do not always have to go deep. Shallow empathy has its use, and it is still real and impactful.

Use the right kind of empathy for the situation and your intention.

Go strengthen relationships!

And crush it.

Clark