The Power of Strategic Conformity

Books Referenced

How to Win Friends and Influence People

By Dale Carnegie

Conformity is often a dirty word.

“Be yourself,” they say (whoever “they” are).

“Don’t be a follower, be a leader.”

I am sure you have heard similar quotes.

We are commonly taught that we are unique, and our individuality makes us special and awesome…

And this is true. You ARE unique.

But what about this quote:

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

Jim Rohn said this.

But he was not the first.

Other similar statements include (who said it first is unknown)

• Hang out with 5 smart people and you’ll be the 6th.
• "Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are."
• "Birds of a feather flock together."
• "You become like the people you surround yourself with. Choose carefully."

So much for individuality.

Or are both true?

Of course you are a unique individual.

But your social circle impacts who you become.

By choosing your circle carefully, you can set yourself up for future success.

In this article, I’ll teach you how to create a social circle that empowers and enables you to achieve more.

Natural Conformity

We act in ways similar to the people around us.

We all can imagine stories of innocent minds being corrupted by terrible friends. This principle is partly why echo chambers can push themselves to an extreme side of an argument.

How does this happen?

It boils down to a word: Conformity.

Conformity refers to the tendency of individuals to adjust their thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors to align with the norms and expectations of a group.

Have you ever wondered why conformity is a thing? Why does this principle exist? There is a TON of research demonstrating how and when people conform.

For example, if you walk past a person on the sidewalk who is looking up, you might think they are nuts.

If you walk by two people who are looking up, you may pay them no mind.

But if you walk by 3 people who have tilted their heads to the sky, you are significantly more likely to look up as well.

This is a form of conformity.

But back to the main question: why does conformity exists?

Put simply: we are herd animals.

We find safety and comfort in groups.

In order to fit in (and therefore feel safe), we naturally adjust our language and behaviors to fit in with groups.

I have experienced this firsthand and can attest to how we adapt to our social circles without effort. I can tell stories of my time working as a strength coach as the only Caucasian at a predominantly African-American school. I assure you my language was different in that environment compared to when I was working with construction workers, or as a manager of an all-female staff.

We adjust our behaviors to fit in within groups.

We conform.

This does not mean we lose our individuality. It just means we align with the strongest common behaviors and tendencies.

We also take signals from the group. Going back to our research subjects gazing into the sky, if we pass 3 people looking up, we interpret that behavior as, “hmmm something must be up there, I better look too.”

If those three people were to yell and scream and quickly start running, I bet more than a few people would conform and run with them. I mean, what do they know that we don’t? Better to conform than to accidentally get hit by a piano or falling flower pot.

Conformity is out tendency to align with behaviors of a group.

Because of this tendency, we can intentionally set ourselves up for success by finding peers who are behaving in ways we aspire to act.

We can strategically conform.

How?

By creating our social circle with intention.

Strategic Conformity

If you knew that your friend group would have such a significant impact on your success, how would you choose them? How would you support them?

You might start by looking for like-minded individuals.

You might also look for people who inspire you.

We will dig more into this, but first, let’s look at a couple historical examples when individuals within a group changed the world.

Notice I did not say, “A group of people.” This is not an article about teamwork.

This is about you, as an individual, levelling up your performance because of the group you choose to socialize with.

Historical Examples

Are you familiar with the impressionists?

Monet, Pissarro, Degas, Cezanne, Renoir, and more… legendary painters from the 1860’s. Together, they redefined what great art looked like.

They are a great example of the saying, “birds of a feather flock together.” They connected through their art and grew in skill together. Would they (or could they) have been as impactful had they not met? I would argue their camaraderie pushed them all to do and be better as artists. We now benefit in history and culture from their friendship.

Now imagine you are a painter today.

If you wanted to be a better artist, would you hide in a hole and paint by yourself? Or would you surround yourself with better artists to learn, connect, and be inspired?

Van Gogh painted in solo for a long time but craved a connection with fellow artists. He worked for a long time to get Paul Gauguin to come live and paint with him.

Here is a great summary from Chat GPT:

“Vincent van Gogh invited Paul Gauguin to live with him in Arles, France, in 1888. Van Gogh admired Gauguin's work and hoped to establish an artists' colony where they could collaborate and exchange ideas. Gauguin initially hesitated but eventually agreed to join van Gogh in Arles.

Their time together in Arles was both productive and tumultuous. They painted side by side, influencing each other's work and experimenting with new techniques. However, their personalities clashed, leading to conflicts and tension. This culminated in a violent altercation in December 1888, during which van Gogh famously cut off part of his own ear.”

I do not suggest you strive to be like Vincent… the poor guy had some mental struggles. But this illustrates the power of the social group. He desired to connect other painters who could influence his work (and vice versa).

This did not just happen amongst artists in the 1800’s.

100 years later, Andy Worhol would create “The Factory.” This was a renowned studio and gathering place for artists, musicians, celebrities, and other creative individuals in New York City during the 1960s and 1970s.

And, this is not just a thing for artists. This happens in tech, too.

Think of the PayPal mafia… Reid Hoffman, Peter Thiel, and Elon Musk (and more), all helped build PayPal and then went on to create even larger companies (LinkedIn, Palantir, Tesla etc., respectively).

Building your “Factory”

Now imagine you were to build your own factory… your own PayPal mafia.

How would you go about doing this?

I have boiled this down to 3 steps.

1. Consider what you are striving to build or create.

Are you building a business? Are you building a skillset? Are you building your body?

You are on a mission and that mission requires action. Be clear on the actions you need to take! Don’t just lock in to one thing. As a multifaceted human, you likely have multiple goals.

Write down your work goals, parent goals, personal goals, spousal goals, etc.

Once you have a list, then consider who else is on the same path?

1. Who do you know and admire?

Who is on your friend or connection list who is doing the things you want to do? Think about the people who are striving to achieve similar things as you. Make this list too.

As you write, note who you admire, who you like, who likes you, and who could be a solid addition to your superhero team.

Go through your list and re-order them as high-alignment, medium-alignment, or low-alignment relationships.

Then draw a line under the bottom most name where you want to create your superteam. I recommend no less than 3 and no more than 10. 10 is a LOT of relationships to support.

This line does not mean you are cutting off anyone from your life.

The line only represents the highly aligned friends you want to engage with more often.

Now that you have your list, start engaging.

1. Engage your friends and connections.

Friendships are relationships. Relationships provide bidirectional value.

Consider how you add value to your friends’ lives.

At a minimum, work to be supportive, interested, and curious about their goals and progress.

If you have already recognized they have qualities which inspire you, then strive to be supportive of them.

As Dale Carnegie famously wrote in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People, “To be interesting, be interested.”

And you can’t fake it.

Start getting interested.

Conformity Continues

After you have your core group of awesome superfriends, support them and ask about their journey.

As you do this, you will begin to see things from a new perspective.

How do they tackle their challenges?

How do they take care of their bodies?

How do they leverage others on their journey?

If your team is taking action, you will take action.

If your team is developing themselves, you will develop yourself.

If your team is achieving, you will achieve.

The Wrap Up

We are herd animals. We conform.

Even the group of non-conformists are all conforming together. There is no escaping it.

Knowing this, we can use strategic conformity to our advantage.

Build your factory of achievers. Assemble your team of Avengers.

If you surround yourself with 5 high achieving individuals, you will be the 6th.

Go out and crush it!

I’m rooting for you.

Clark